So over the last few days things got worse before they eventually got better. We made up (as we always do) and now he is more attentive than normal. He is clearly making an effort to balance our relationship and the rest of his life and duties as a man. This is what I love about him. This is why when it’s taken away from me, I have a meltdown.
Now that he is trying, I have returned to my normal ways of taking care of him in anyway I can. Whatever I can do to make his day easier, I will do.
What you appreciate, appreciates. This is something I try to show him daily.
Now if only this could last for more than a couple weeks before our next blow out…. I hope we can be this good for longer stretches of time until one day we can’t remember the last time we fought.
That’s just my wishful thinking…
He is the most amazing man when he tries. This is the man I want to marry.
And of course,
I Still Love Him
I just want someone to want me!!! To need me, to need to talk to me and see me. Someone who tells me I’m beautiful an actually takes time to look into my eyes.
Everyone needs to be needed. I need attention from my fiancé. But he is too busy takin care of himself to care.
I hate feeling unloved.
I hate feeling like no one is desperate to see me.
I try my best (when things are normal) to show him that I not only love seeing him but that I need him. That he is my best friend. I want to end my days sitting with him talking about the crazy people in this world. I looked forward to laying in the little nook under his chin while he tells me about his observations during his day.
And now to have NO communication???
I would hate to think I have to protect myself in this relationship and keep my guard up for when he decides to pull the rug out from under me.
I have to remember during the good times that this man might just hurt me and not care in doing so.
I have to remind myself that he may not always be on my team.
I have to remind myself that he doesn’t always have my back.
This is my reality.
I hope it changes and changes quickly before our relationship is beyond repair.
I hope he doesn’t let us get lost again.
Cause I don’t think I have enough faith that we can find our way back this time.
I know if he ever read this he would call me dramatic.
He would make my thought and feelings seem stupid and crazy.
Maybe that’s why he told me to complain to someone else. Cause he doesn’t have any empathy for me.
He’s a gentleman to his entire family and close friends.
The one he claims to love and vows to marry? The one he sees everyday?
The one that pick up his dirty clothes off the floor?
Nope. I get called crazy.
Fuck all of this
This morning he left with no goodbye (again) and not one text or call… It’s day three of this hell and I’m starting to wonder if he is ready for marriage. He doesn’t even care that I feel ignored and lonely.
He doesn’t mind I guess.
Who wants a husband who doesn’t care if his wife is missing him?
He doesn’t love me.
There is just no way.
Theres no way he could live a moment with me being hurt or upset if he really did love me.
He wouldn’t want to purposefully push me further away when I’m telling him he isn’t making much room for me.
Our anniversary was a month ago and I still haven’t gotten a card… Not even a quick love note a damn napkin. Nothing.
That’s not love.
Yes he pays the bills since I’ve been let go at work but that doesn’t fill the void in my heart.
He doesn’t love me.
I just want someone to love me, consistently.
Is that too much to ask for?
Just fucking love me the way I love you.
What’s worse is that I know how wonderful he can be when he tries. He can be the most cuddly, open and sweet person but then he always, always pulls it all back and treats me like I’m nothing.
I can’t keep doing this.
I asked him today if he wants to get married still and he said “sure” but that he wants to focus on himself until then.
What am I doing?????
Maybe I just need to let him go and find my own way while being basically roommates who hate each other. We don’t talk, we don’t do anything together because he feels like being selfish again.
I was willing to do anything for him but how can I continue when he won’t just pay attention to me.
And I don’t mean sending texts asking about bill payments or the logistics of our day. I’m talking about meaningful conversations and quality time together.
That’s just not important to him when he has better things going on.
I don’t know what to do…
This isn’t how I want my marriage to start.
Haven’t heard from him all day (except once to discuss bills for less than a minute).
I wonder what our relationship would be like if I continue to let him run it. Without me always trying to keep us “good” and “connected”.
This is just one day and I’m already having thoughts of worry. Worry that this will always be our problem.
Me wanting to be with him and him flip-flopping from loving that about me to wanting to push me away.
I’m scared of having a lonely marriage like so many I’ve heard of.
So yesterday we were still in a fight. The fight has now turned into me feeling like he doesn’t try to make time to spend with me. I know most men probably think that if they are under the same roof then it’s quality time spent. But I feel so lonely when he works all day and when he finally comes home he go straight to his home office to do more work.
Every time he works more, I feel less connected to him.
And if I don’t say anything about it he would probably never make time to really look at me and have a proper conversation.
We usually are very close, so the second he gets busy with his job, I am thrown out the window.
Naturally I get more and more upset until I yell or scream, but of course he makes me out to be “sensitive” and simply ignores me.
This morning I woke up feeling numb to it all. I am now at the stage of just not caring.
If he doesn’t want to make time with me (other than for sex) then that’s up to him. I’m done forcing it or making sure we get enough “connecting” time.
If he wants to let our relationship turn into crap, then I’m going to let him.
If he wants me going through the world with thoughts that he doesn’t really love me, then I’ll let him.
If he wants to ignore my needs, then I’ll let him.
I think I need to just stop expecting him to want me the way I want him. Maybe he doesn’t want me when he is busy doing better things. Maybe I’m just here to fill his down times at work.
It’s no surprise that most couples fight, right? But I swear we must fight more than normal couples…. It seems like a weekly tradition for us.
Yesterday we were arguing over something stupid (as it usually is), and he told me to go complain to someone else.
Now I know that if I actually did, he would probably want to kill me. Lol
But, thats what we all do in the heat of anger.
We say things we think we mean in the moment but once the adrenaline fades, we know that we shouldn’t have said and we no longer mean it.
So I figured I’d take him up on the suggestion. Sort of.
No I’m not going to go complain to another man or to my girlfriends who are in no place to give me any sort of advice. Instead, I am going to blog about it.
Although I was angry at his use of the word “complain” (because when he does it, it’s called “expressing himself), I decided NOT to call him out on it. I did what most women probably do when they are done fighting and protesting their opinion, I shut up and went to bed.
Of course he didn’t follow me because he thinks he is right… as usual.
So I went to bed angry and resentful. Mainly because when he is mad at ANYTHING, I always try to fix it, even if I don’t agree with his problem. Even if I don’t think I’m in the wrong… I still address his feelings.
BUT… When the roles are reversed, I am the crazy one who complains all the time.
I don’t know if he does this to avoid fixing anything because he is tired at the end of the day or if he is really just selfish but whatever the reason is, I HATE IT.
So I just heard about a book about the Secret Lives of Wives and I was shocked to hear what was written in it. Stories of women hating their husbands most of the time and cheating some of the time. It got me wondering, is this normal? Is this how most people survive the constant struggle of marriage? I am newly engaged and planning my wedding in six months… Is this what I’m signing up for??? God I hope not.
Yes, sometimes I am not his biggest fan, but at the end of it all, I still love him. And not in the “I feel totally obligated to”. Even when I hate him the most, there is a tiny part of me that wants to laugh because I know when I wake up the next day, I wont care how mad I was, he’s just so damn loveable.
I am an almost wife, with my wedding quickly impending, I wanted to share the real struggles of committing to someone for the rest of your life. Maybe i am the only one that has these feelings or thoughts, but hopefully not! For all those who are in my shoes, god help you. Lol. I will share the good, the bad and the ugly…